Nearly A Nerd.com

Hippy Energy Elixirs

Sometimes I find myself at Clover’s Natural Market, basking in the glow of light emanating from the drink cooler containing glorious assortments of hippy energy juices.  These things are good for you, man.  (Well, the drink shown above, known as “Cocaine”, while obviously not containing cocaine, is not available from the health food store.  But I list it on name alone.)

So what else can I do other than link to each one and offer a half assed review:

• Amazon Energy.  This sparkling beverage is made from the acai berry, a fruit high in antioxidants.  Also contains acerola fruit, yerba mate, 120 mg of caffeine, 120 calories and 28.5 mg sugar.  Offers a decent little boost and didn’t make me gag.
• Hi-Ball Energy.  Your dad’s energy drink.  It basically tastes like seltzer water, club soda or tonic water or a combo of any of those plus whatever flavor is stamped on the outside.  Highly carbonated.  I tried the grapefruit.  Meh.
• Steaz Energy.  I’ve guzzled the berry, lime and orange varieties.  Steaz registers as the “plain jane” of these concoctions.  It’s kind of like sex in a canoe.  It’s very near to water.
• Twinlab Energy Fuel.  Not merely “energy”, this stuff is also “fuel”.  I know a dude that buys it by the case.  It’s kind of fruity tasting.
• Guru Energy Drink.  A new arrival so I have not tried it yet.  Their site does not tout the product as much as it does the usual humor, sex, lifestyle thing.
• Micell Edge.  While not really an according to Hoyle energy drink it deserves mention on the basis of name and nutritional value.  This puppy sports a whopping 50g of protein and 1.5g of fat to boot.  It’s obviously some kind of protein shake, but ended up beside the others somehow.
• Methyl Speed.  Anything with “meth” in the title is bound to be at least a little scary.  One also should “never exceed more than two bottles daily or more than one bottle over a four hour period.”  The site also says it “provides long-lasting muscle pumps.”  Huh?  What are muscle pumps?  Clovers has discontinued this product.